Clear as Mud

I want to keep doing updates of my eyes.  I am seeing progress, but it is so slow that it is hard to notice.  I go through stages of being super optimistic and dedicated and other times when I feel like nothing is going to change and that I'm wasting my time.   I'm still staying caught up on reading the Book of Mormon every morning and doing pretty good at wearing my patch every day.  A lot of times I don't get my full 4-5 hours on the weekends, but I do try!

I am getting a little faster at reading and starting to comprehend what I am reading (a little).  I was taking 7-8 minutes per page at the beginning and I am closer to 5 minutes now.  I am getting better at multitasking while I wear the patch and run into the wall and people much less often.  I haven't cut myself while chopping veggies in a few weeks.

For a few weeks I've been feeling discouraged though.  I know I just listed some things that are getting better, but everything is still blurry and dull at some level, so I am improved but not healed.  I convinced myself that maybe my miracle won't actually be what I'm hoping and that things will never be different for me.   I've been wondering, "will my right eye ever see things as clearly as my left?"

I had been feeling like I should go to the temple during the day for a while and I finally decided to make it happen.  I wanted to go with some of my friends from church, but I kept just feeling that I shouldn't do a normal session, I felt like I should do initiatory.   I usually try to go to the temple with a question and I always seem to find the answer in one way or another.  This day, my question was "what is the next step I need to take to heal my eye?"

I showed up went in and sat in the little room and the sweetest older lady was there as a temple worker.  She looked straight into my eyes (well, eye, I was wearing my patch, haha) and right when we made eye contact the answer came to my mind: eye contact.  I need to start having eye contact whenever I speak to people, that's my next step.  Sooooo much easier said than done!  I have been trying and after about 10 seconds my head starts to throb and I get dizzy and I'm definitely not able to focus on what the person says.   So I guess it'll be a good thing to work on.  So if we are having a conversation and I'm staring you down all creepy like and I'm not following what you say, I'm sorry in advance.   I can't listen and look at the same time...yet.

There was another moment a few minutes later when the lady was giving a little 3-4 minute talk (I don't know what to call it, speech?) I've probably heard it 100 times before, but there was one line that jumped out at me this time.  She said (not exact words, but close) "I bless your eyes to see clearly"  and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I, of course, became emotional and just felt like it was a sign from God saying that I will be healed and that I just need to keep having faith.  I will be able to see clearly with both eyes.

It is so hard to believe that something that has always been could change, it is exciting and nerve racking and scary.  What if I put in all this faith and then nothing happens.   What if I put in all this faith and then something does happen.  Luckily, I have a Father in Heaven who is merciful and gives me reminders that he will keep his promise, that I shouldn't be scared, I should be hopeful.

This is a journey that I never expected to be on, but I feel like it will be a major turning point in my life, before I could see and after I could see.