In case you thought I was perfect...

Do you ever read a book and just idolize and love the characters and want to be like them? I definitely do, if only I could be Bella! haha But seriously, when I read the Anne of Green Gables series I was so determined to be just Like Anne Blithe. She was the most patient, loving mother and wife. I would talk about her to Zac as if she was a real person, "well, I'm going to try to discipline more like Anne from now on..." Then he would kindly remind me that she is a fictional character.

Well, I'm reading "Little Women" for the first time and I just can't get enough. Marmee (Mrs. March) is the most wonderful person. Part of me is reading thinking, "How can I be more like her as a mom to my kids" the other part is thinking "Thanks mom for the wonderful advice, I will try to control my temper better!" Of course the book is fiction, but I love how she just parents with love and has the sweetest way, what would it be like to be like that?

I really do try to emulate these women, honestly, I think about it all the time. I set goals, make reminders, read books often and really make an effort to be a better mom, but then something happens and I fly into a range.

Go back with me to Saturday. It actually begins Friday night when I stayed up WAY too late so I will use that as a slight excuse for my actions of the day.

Saturday morning two people woke up on the wrong side of the bed, me and Teagan. Things went from bad to worse that morning. What began with a "it's time for our chores" ended in time outs, threats (not followed through in case you were wondering) and lots of raised voices and frustration. (usually chores aren't a big deal around here)

Next came the haircut. Teagan isn't a fan of haircuts and usually whines, but Saturday he was particularly against the idea and was SCREAMING and covering his head with his hands. His tear/booger streaked face of course accumulated a ton of hair since it was wet and he was miserable. I was loosing my temper and Zac came to the rescue by putting Teagan in a head lock while I finished the haircut. I think at one point all three of us were screaming at each other at the same time. It was such a wonderful, happy time. Just what we'd all been imagining for our Saturday morning.

After cleanup we all took some time apart and came back and became friends again. We all had the appearance of having ourselves back together so we decided to continue with our Saturday plans and go shopping. (What were we thinking, honestly????)

We only went to one store and it was fine. Then we went to go to lunch at Rumbi. While Zac and I ordered, our angelic child went and reserved a table for us. We, of course, trust him because he is four and everyone knows that four year old boys are mature enough to take care of themselves at restaurants. So we order our food, only to be interrupted by a yell and a crash. When we turn to see the noise we see that a table has been tipped over and a little girl is under it and Teagan is on top of her. We race over, put the table back, apologize like 50 times and then the girl's mom says something like, "he was on top of the table and I could see it happening in slow motion..." that's all I heard... at this point just imagine my normal face turning from pasty white to a deep scarlet, smoke starts emerging from my ears and I really loose it. I grab Teagan and carry him out to the car like you do when you are enraged with your child (you know, they're parallel to the ground and you're holding them off to the side with one arm). Zac patched things up with the family (they were really nice about it) and was out in a second. Teagan received corporal punishment and the lecture of a life time on the way home.

It was really fun, I hope next Saturday is just like it!

Later that night I asked Teagan what his "High" and "Low" of the day were. It broke my heart when he said "my low is when I was laying on the table and it tipped over and hurt that little girl, I didn't know the table was going to tip over." His low wasn't getting spanked (not a very frequent happening around here) or getting sent to his room or lectured. He really felt bad. At that point, guilt started setting in. The realization that we handled the situation BADLY and overreacted and were way too hard on Teagan started really setting in.

Ugggghhhhhh....why is parenting so hard? Then of course I remember Mrs. March's speech to her daughter Jo about holding your temper. I think I was more embarrassed about being THAT family with THAT kid than I was actually concerned about the behavior. Why didn't we just silently march him out of Rumbi and drive home in silence and talk about it after the smoke had stopped erupting from our ears. He already knew he was in trouble and was scared for his life as it was. Silence would have been more effective (although I don't think he'll be climbing on tables when we're out to eat any time soon).

My point is that I used bad judgement as a parent. I hate that. I just want to always do it right the first time.

I was reading a great article Monday (click here to read it) and I loved it so much. Not only was it a great reminder for me to not judge other parents, I was able to get rid of some of the guilt. I love the part where the writer says "In truth, I’ve yet to meet a mother who doesn’t adore her child and isn’t trying her best." SO TRUE!

Okay, I adore my child, I am trying my best, I'm bound to mess up because I'm about as human as they come, but lifelong damage hopefully won't be done. Trial and error is about the only way to go and course corrections along the way are going to hopefully lead me to being an expert by the time my kids are out of the house. And then I'll have to sit back and watch as they mess up with their kids....oh the circle of life. They'll get mad when I try to help and tell me to back off because they're going to "learn for themselves" and "do it their way." Oh boy. Do you think God just sits up there and laughs at the ridiculousness of us? Probably.

I'm grateful for second chances, repentance, learning from mistakes, kids that love and forgive you even when you totally mess up, a spouse to learn from and brainstorm with when I'm feeling lost, articles and books that help me see a bigger picture and inspire me, and sleep.